understanding

When I woke up this morning, I felt I relaxed and rested rather than the panic and sadness I thought I would feel when the events of yesterday sank in. Is this part of the clarity I had requested last night? I'm not sure. But this feeling got me thinking.

Did this feeling come over me because I had asked for it to? Was it because after everything I have been through in the past two and a half months has finally ended & I can breathe? If the latter is the case, I wonder if it is a way for me to see how soon I was able to be okay with out him - a sign that maybe I never really needed him at all. Since this seems too sad to be true I'm choosing to believe the former.

How strange it is that you go from speaking with someone everyday, multiple times a day, to never at all. When ever my phone buzzes, I get anxious in hopes he is calling, even though I have promised myself not to take the first phone call like I did last time. Due to this factor & both of our stubborn natures, I worry that we really will never speak again. That is so hard to comprehend. Someone who knows all my deepest thoughts, hopes, and secrets, someone who understands where I am coming from, someone who I don't need to give a back story to every time I talk, can be so suddenly pulled from my life. M understood me in a way no one else I know does and the thought of losing this companion & conversationalist is beyond comprehension. I'm not saying I have to have M back in the romantic sense in my life but I don't want to lose him as a friend.

Here's to hoping the "clarity" continues...