Here it goes! The most famous (& lame I'm sure) line used to start a blog. I have never done anything like this before (likely the most famous second line). Moving on...
I have recently (less than 12 hours ago) ended a 5+ year relationship with a person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Before you give up thinking "oh another one of those blogs," know it is not my intention. Sadly it is hard to think about much else as I sit in what used to be our apartment, alone (I will be forced to do this for the next week as he is on vacation & I won't be moving back in with my parents until next week)! Needless to say everything around me reminds me of him. I put my hair be hind my ears (unusually small and cute he used to say) and I think of him, I watch TV to distract myself and stumble upon a criminal minds marathon (a new guilty pleasure we developed), and the list goes on and on...
So I find myself asking myself the obvious: How did I get here? Rewind to March 2005...
We weren't perfect for each other but I can't really say it started out of convenience either. We had been friends for a little over a year when the type of friendship we had began to change. I had recently ended a relationship and everyone with eyes said it was because of M. Shortly thereafter, the make out sessions began with M. I didn't want a commitment just some fun with a college guy while I finished my senior year. This, like many phases with me, did not last very long. Soon after (a month to be exact) I began applying the pressure by asking the "what are we" & "where are we going" questions. For goodness sakes we were 17 & 19 did we really need to know! Well I certainly thought so & so M made it official after a night with friends and some bad Mexican (I can still smell the stench of the car)! How romantic I know!
Strangely (this will make sense later) we began as a long distance couple. Even though M's parents lived less than a 5min walk from my parents, with M in college & me at home, we were long distance. This was good in the beginning because things are awkward during the beginning stages of a relationship, most of which we missed out on.
When fall came and it was time for me to go off to school, where do you think I ended up? If you answered the college M attended you would be correct. This turned out to be a good thing for me career wise later as they have the one of the best schools in the country for the field I ended up falling into (a story for a later post). As time went on (if you're keeping track we're only at about 6 months now) I felt stronger and stronger feelings for him. I guess this is only natural but the closer I felt the more he pulled away and the closer I tried to get (not a good cycle). He says that I began talking marriage at about this 6 month mark, a topic he deeply despised discussing (even now I don't understand this, his parents have been happily married for going on 30 years). In any case the ebbs & flows of a new relationship began to work themselves out right around year three. We had been with one another long enough to know what made the other tick. I no longer felt the overwhelming urge to smother him & he no longer seemed like he was going to run away. Are strength was definitely a positive because we were about to be tested.
With M's graduation quickly approaching and the job market so gloomy, it was clear that finding a job near to me was unlikely. The next two years of my life were spoken for so I was still going to be right where he left me at the end of this time frame. So we spent our summer somewhat together, knowing that soon we would be that long(er) distance couple again. I say somewhat because I spent the summer at school & M at home making us long distance but only by an hour. However, the time we spent together that summer was truly valued. M would make day trips; we would wander around campus, go to baseball games, & just enjoy one another's company. We also traveled to M's cottage (his favorite place in the world) and we shared our best summer to that point blissfully happy!
Fast forward to October 2008 when I found out M would be taking a job two states away. I didn't know what I was going to do. As stated above, the next two years of my life were spoken for and I had to stay where I was! I was so sad to see him go but I knew how hard he had tried to find a job near to me with no such luck; since not having a job was not an option he had to go. We promised to see one another at least once a month and purchased web cams so we could see each other in between! As it turned out the strength we had found before this was extremely helpful. We continued to get stronger, grew closer together, and when I graduated from college in May of 2009 M asked me to move in with him.
We knew that we would only have the summer together as I had to return home in the fall to complete my internship. We spent our time enjoying one another’s company, seeing the sights in this new town, and thinking about the future. M had jokingly/seriously called the summer a "marriage trial" saying that if all went well we could begin talking and moving in that direction. You might think it was too much pressure to handle but I didn't feel pressure just overwhelming joy & love to be back together. Things were definitely continuing to get better and better with us and I started to believe we had a future together! When the summer ended, I was obviously sad to go but I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel (light = marriage proposal/us being together forever/no more long distance). I know M felt the same way.
Maybe that's why it happened. We were both so secure that we didn't take necessary steps to ensure we stayed that way. Maybe it was going to happen no matter what (M & I had a conversation about fate today. M said he didn't believe in it while I said I do. Strangely enough I was the one trying to make things happen last year while he was the one allowing things to happen). Maybe the cause was a host of countless unknown factors (grad school, upbringing, emotional knowledge, etc). All I know is that over the past year we fell apart a little at a time. Slowly being less considerate of one another. Until in April we had the brilliant idea of "going on a break"! What a moronic term by the way! We decided we would go two weeks without speaking to clear our heads and sort through our issues. It is clear now that this should have been a break-up but since the past is the past it stays. In any case, M called me after only one week stating his head was clear, he knew what he wanted, and he needed me back. However, I was still finishing out my time commitment for another month. He promised he wouldn't forget the way he felt about me (forgetting the way he felt for me was one of the factors that tore us apart, a consequence of living on his own and shutting off all emotion in order to not miss me) and I believed him.
However, when my time commitment wrapped, it was not my first instinct to move back to him, nor was it his to ask me to. Ironic how clear all of the signs are now but we just couldn't or didn't want to see them then. So a month after the end of my internship & 2 months after the phone call I moved in. Again summer would be all we had but this time it was due to M moving for grad school (again to a whole new state). Oh and another wrench in the system (as if there weren't enough already) I would not be following him to his new state unless we were engaged. The idea that I thought this was at all possible, now makes me realize just how delusional I was.
So summer plunged forward and the pressure was on for both of us. Me to make him see whatever he needed to see in me to be able to commit to me. And him to fulfill this wish, dream, and hope he had never given me before that single phone call. Plus you can't date a girl for this long without marrying her unless your a jerk (something like this was said in he's just not that into you...and again with the signs). The summer had extreme highs & detrimental lows, like the worst rollercoaster you could have imagined. We had the same argument/discussion over and over about when he would be ready, whose fault it was, and why I wished he'd never called. Then we would do things like take road trips to Niagara Falls and explorations of the coolest parts of the city.
When today (the day for him to go on his vacation - he'll be back in a week to move his stuff out and by then I'll be gone) arrived and what it meant for us sank in it was like the rollercoaster had finally stopped. It was/has been the strangest break up ever. Both of us knew it was coming yet somehow the reality of it all only just sank in. We were both so miserably sad, inconsolably so. Neither of us wanted it to come to this because we still love each other. But both of us know where we are right now (both of us so hurt, lost, and confused) makes it impossible for us to be happy on our own which means we can't be happy together. Before M left, through tear & snot streamed faces, we decided to forgive each other (me for torturing/pressuring him & him for giving me false hope). The possibility of moving forward doesn't exist without forgiveness.
The goodbye was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever experienced (and hope to experience) in my whole life! Knowing it could be the last time I hugged him, saw him, much less spoke to him made it so terribly painful and I wouldn't wish this pain on another person ever! He whispered goodbye to me & I told him good luck with finding himself. He uttered the same, kissed me on the forehead & headed for the door. I let a few seconds pass before leaping from the bed to hug him one last time to find he was already on his way back. I hugged him tighter than I ever have & sobbed into his shirt (smelling him in deeply knowing I may never be able to again). When he left that time it was for good. I bawled for what seemed like forever and at some point began rocking back and forth, hugging myself as I did. When I thought I could get up I walked to the living room to find boxes scattered about, so I did what I do best, organized! Through my tears I could barely see a thing. I decided it would be a good idea to take the garbage out in hopes of stopping the tears. It didn't work. I stumbled back into the bedroom and the crying fit ensued, rocking myself as I did. At some point I must have grown tired because I woke up in a pool of tears an hour later. I was so sore from hugging myself so tightly and a rush of emotion and pain fell over me and I felt I was reliving the experience over again as I became more awake.
The rest of the day has gone the same. Trying not to allow anything about him cross my mind and quickly kicking thoughts to the curb if they do (I think I see why now he found it easier to shut down than feel emotions). I have spent much of the day waiting for a reasonable time to go to bed to arrive only to realize that it would mean going to bed, in our room, alone.
So here I sit, wanting to go to bed. Scared of what the new day will bring, having to relive the pain again. I wish I could just go home now but I still have a week of work. But when I come at night here I will sit with nothing to think about but us. I haven't spoken with anyone since he left nor do I think I will. I am so lost and I feel so (I can't even think of a word to describe it)...
For now, I am going to face the bedroom. I am going to have a conversation with the big man upstairs in hopes of finding some clarity or peace or just enough restfulness for a good nights sleep.
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